i permit you to call me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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