her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
