I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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