she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
