You're my little dorito
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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