I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
