Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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