Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
