shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
