Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
