it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
