i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
