I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
