found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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