Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
