I'm so fucking centered right now
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
