One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
