Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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