i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
