what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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