Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
