I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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