i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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