last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
