Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
