"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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