Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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