can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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