god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
