woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
