while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
