You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
