I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
