they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
