Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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