new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
