You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
