He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
