in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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