he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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