the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
