happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I touched a dick in church today
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
