The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Semen is not good for contacts.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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