Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
