worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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