I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
