The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
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