I think I died a long time ago.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize