Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
