does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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